I’m not particularly sure if anyone gives a damn anymore, but there’s a new Pirates of the Caribbean coming up and it looks amazingly bleh.

Like a contrived and derivative mix of Dead Man’s Chest with the impressive blandness of the fourth one, the trailer for this new one (yeah, I already don’t remember the sub-title and I can’t care enough to go learn it) makes it very clear the franchise isn’t even trying anymore. I mean, it’s literally the same bloody things we have already seen.

– Ship under attack by mysterious crewmen? Check (twice, actually)

– Mysterious crewmen look like some zombie/accursed beings? Check (also twice…)

– Mysterious zombie/accursed beings looking for Jack Sparrow? Check (again: twice)

– Pretty boy being used as messenger/bait to get Sparrow? Check… three times (Yes, I’m counting Keira Knightley as a pretty boy… a very pretty boy)

– Zombie/accursed beings led by a character with a funny way of speaking? Check. Yes, three times.

– Said zombie/accursed leader is played by an incredibly talented/enigmatic actor who, at some point, is gonna wonder what the fuck he’s doing in this franchise? Check… for the third bloody time!

Seriously, WHY would anybody even want to watch this anymore? At this point, Disney is clearly just fucking with us. They didn’t even bother throwing Johnny Depp into this trailer. Javier Bardem’s character honestly just looks like they rehashed left over prosthetics from Davy Jones’ crew.

As much as I hate to say this, maybe they should really bring back Orlando Bloom’s and Keira Knightley’s Will Turner and Elizabeth Swan.

As a person who very actively defended Dead Man’s Chest and At World’s End despite their obvious flaws, I have to admit that Disney needs to stop keeping this franchise afloat (hehehe… puns).

Besides, with Star Wars and Marvel, it’s not like they need another tentpole feature. Maybe they should donate the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise to WB? With the primary Harry Potter franchise over and with DC’s movies actively committing suicide (also a pun), it’s WB that is in desperate need for a tentpole franchise.

Oh whatever, Johnny Depp’s face is still gonna make this movie like a gajillion dollars… unless people are still pretending to be pissed with him for that Amber Heard issue (or have we moved on to being mad at Brad Pitt?).

Anyways, here’s the poster… at least it looks cool:
potc5-poster

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